ch-ch-ch-changes

it's funny that when i was supposed to be working on my thesis this blogging thing was a welcome distraction. now it feels like a chore. so i apologize. here's the update....

I am back in philly. i totally loved being home. here are a few more highlights - a moose in the backyard, and a day at the lake with my nephews.

Then on to Utah. It was absolutely lovely seeing old friends and new babies (at least they were new to me). Another highlight was watching centerstage. I also went to a friends wedding which was great. It was a pretty great 5 days.

So, now I am back in philly. In the two weeks I have been back I have moved into a new apartment, started a new job and bought a car. It's been a little hectic so I apologize to anyone who's calls i have ignored and for not calling people. Also, my mom wanted to see pics of my new car so here you go momma. Isn't she cute! A 2002 honda civic. The couple I bought her from is Polish.... so i was thinking about a polish name for her.... any ideas?

eight stars of gold on a field of blue

I'm in Alaska!!!

Mt Mckinley was out on the drive up from anchorage.

We went wild blueberry picking

Also went to the farmers market where I saw a typical alaskan truck - complete with an "alaskans for independence" bumper sticker.


Home sweet home.

avril lavigne lyrics

I wasn't sure what to title this post, but somehow I felt like some avril lavigne lyrics would probably fit, though unfortunately I couldn't think of any actual lyrics besides "hey hey you you". Anyway, just imagine some melodramatic, slightly annoyed, with a tinge of angry lyrics... sung by a canadian.... maybe alanis morisette would fit too.

the point is that I'm still confused, but it's building up past the point of just being slightly unnerving and I'm starting to get mad. Really, I should be grateful. I got an official job offer. Positives: working with the same kids I already know and love, strong team focus - I think I'd feel a lot of support, would need to get a car which I've been craving, learn lots about family therapy. Negatives: working more with families (I totally believe that family work is the most beneficial, but I'm scared.... I feel fine, even confident, about doing therapy with a kid, but I'm a little nervous about telling a 35 year old mom from innercity philly about how to parent her child), doing therapy in the home (distractions, jealous siblings, general chaos, seeing the situations some of the kids live in, etc), having to transport art supplies could be a total pain. There would be a lot of challenges, but the prospective of learning from the challenges is kind of exciting.

Since I've never dated a boy for longer than about 3 months I've never gotten to the point of real commitment, but I've always sort of wondered if maybe I'm a commitment-phobe, but just haven't gotten a chance to find out. This job search, decision-making stuff makes me think that I probably am. While I'm hating being so unsettled, it's almost better that being settled and feeling stuck.......

shoot.

Done!

Today I gave my three final copies to the library so they can be bound into real life books. I can't believe it! Honestly, that thesis has been occupying space in my brain for almost a year now. Now I can officially free up that space for more pop culture. yeah.

Still, this final push has cost me a chunk of change. $100+ for printing and $60 for binding. Dang. But still, it's nice to know that it those are my last official school expenses. Though I have to admit as the back-to-school commercials start popping up I'm a little sad that I won't be buying fresh notebooks this fall.

I am still in a major state of uncertainty these days. I was getting closer to a decision to leave Philly and head back west in the direction of Portland (probably), maybe like 70% decided. But yesterday I got an email from my old boss at my internship about a job opening at a new school that's opening in the same area that a lot of my clients last year will be going to. It's pretty tempting and I would LOVE working with some of the same kids...... so now I'm back to 50/50. Brother.

no i haven't finished harry potter

This weekend has been busy. one of my good friend/neighbors/washer-dryer lenders/DVR owners/dinner providers is moving this weekend. So most of my weekend was spent helping her move. I took a small break to pick up harry potter which I haven't even been able to crack the cover of. When I wasn't helping to move, i had to find a hot pink t-shirt to bedazzle as a birthday present. bedazzling is cool, but more time-consuming than you'd imagine. I was barely able to sneak in a shower before going to see harry potter at the IMAX 3-D for the second time (first time at the imax). if you ask me, not worth $15, but whatever.

This morning I got up at 5 to take someone to the airport, came home slept, and prepared a talk for sacrament meeting.

since first seeing the harry potter movie a few weeks ago I've been re-reading book 6 in preparation for 7. I actually was able to finish it this morning before church. Now I can't wait to get home and start on 7. And this way, when timmy calls to discuss what's going on with the book i won't have to yell at him to not tell me anything.

p.s. I still don't know what I'm doing, though for all of you who want me to come live by them start making your offers. Jenn and Meagan have offered DVR, meals, and wardrobes that I can share. What do you have to offer?

I had my defense today. I passed!!!!! yay! Really yay! I'm so so glad to have that done. What a relief! I have a few revisions to do of course, but really not much at all. Nothing that should take me more than 1 or 2 hours. Awesome. In fact my thesis advisor said that I have the least revisions to do than anyone that she remembers. yeah. man oh man. I'm so glad. I literally leaped and skipped out of the building. Then I stopped quickly because it's like a hundred degress out and humid and I'm wearing my professional clothes.

Now I'm starving because I was too nervous to eat most of the day. I'm gonna go get myself something good. Actually, it will likely end up being Wendy's because I have to walk by there on the way home and a frosty is sounding pretty good right now. We'll see.

I passed!!!

my shoulders hurt

I've been working at the summer camp I worked at last summer because they were desperate and I had fond memories of last year. They're supposed to be hiring someone else and I have an interview with their behavioral health program. We'll see. anyway, my shoulders hurt from carrying around a bag full of inhalers and epi-pens. Kids have too many allergies. I wonder if I really would've been able to stab a needle into some kids thigh if they ate a peanut. Luckily i didn't find out today.

My birthday is tomorrow. 26. I don't want to do anything. People keep calling me, texting me, wanting to know what I want to do. There's also a ward activity. I signed up to bring drinks because it was the easiest, but I dont' want to go. They could survive without drinks. I've been in a mood lately. A grumpy mood. Or maybe just an introverted mood. I was at this bbq for the 4th and I had some major social anxiety. Well, maybe not major, but enough that I had to sneak away and hide. Then this one girl came and sat on my lap and kissed me on the cheek. I know she meant well, but I was isolating myself for a reason and then she invades my personal space. Annoying.

My defense is on Tuesday, so in all reality, I'll probably spend a chunk of my birthday working on that. I don't really care though. I don't get the point of birthdays. Man, I really am in a grumpy mood. bah humbug.

i guess i did something

I was sitting here thinking that i didn't do anything this week.

then i remembered that i went to manhattan on wednesday. i went to the manhattan temple for the first time. it was lovely. i mean really lovely. i love mini-temples. i love normal sized temples too. but there's just something more intimate about the mini's. it was a shock walking out into the city. its like you forget.

after the temple i went to see jared's art at a gallery in chelsea. it was great to see. so smart.

then i went to the virgin record store at union square and bought a few cds. those $10 sales get me every time. the new ryan adams, an old rufus wainwright which i loved and lost (if i lent it to you i guess you can keep it now), and the new mandy moore.

then i made it home and watched so you think you can dance. my fav's at this point - lacey and kameron, dominic and sabra. my favorite of the night though was definitely jamie and hok. wow. wade robson is one great choreographer.

finally

I did the math yesterday. I have loved wilco since 1999/2000. My first year in Philly I had no TV and 5 or so DVDs. One was the wilco doc. that I watched over and over. I have been itching to see them for 7 years and finally my dreams came true somewhere in Maryland. It was completely satisfying and I left feeling a little giddy. Plus, I played MASH when we were waiting for the music and I have the best future ever. Married to Brandon Flowers, living in NY as a fashion designer, riding the subway, 5 kids and a pet mini-mini poodle (which sounds ugly, but my cousin has one and it is the cutest dog ever - and no shedding!) It was a good night.

shopoholic

Two sundays ago i gave the relief society lesson about "living providently" - keeping a garden, food storage, reducing debt, etc....

I am a hypocrite

Yesterday I bought three pairs of shoes........ I've been itching to buy shoes for a while now. I think that last pair of shoes I bought was back in November for my brother's wedding so it's been awhile, especially for a shoe-lover like me. My fav - red flats with a little leopard print trim. only $10. Cute - yes, unnecessary - yes. I also bought a pair of jeans that were on-sale for $10. The last thing I need is more jeans, but..... they are totally Lenny Kravitz-worthy.

I realize that I am almost 26, but I still buy clothes that are marketed to 16 year olds. Is that wrong?

President Kimball would be ashamed of me. That's the problem with being unemployed. There's nothing to do but walk around and spend money that I don't have. Still, the job hunt continues. I just applied for a job working with geriatrics..... I've been focusing on child/adolescent jobs thus far, but figured I might as well. Old people give me the heebie-jeebies a bit, but maybe I should broaden my experiences so I'll have more options later......

good thesis news

I met with my thesis advisor yesterday. The first thing she said to me "I was so impressed!" YES! She said it was so so nice and that my writing was really good. yeah! There are just a few little points to change and a few typos.... my favorite "the participant'sexperience.... ha. freud would've gotten a kick out of that.

In other news... I went to DC over the weekend and played with my friend jessie. We went to a singles barbeque where I ran into the james dewey.... who started the poetry club that I went to my last year at byu. that was kind of exciting. The best part was that he didn't remember my name, but remembered one of my poems. I think that is an enormous compliment. He provided me with a little motivation to open up my notebooks and write a little more poetry.

In other news.... I think I want to buy the new Mandy Moore album. I don't know what my fascination is with her, but i just think she's mature and classy, especially compared to a lot of the young celebrities these days. And I've heard some of her new stuff and it actually sounds pretty good. And co-writing with rachel yamagata. classy.

the best afternoon ever

Saw Ryan Adams for free today. It was ..... lovely. yum. My thanks to Alex who is a member of XPN and who checks his email lots and was able to get the tickets. And thanks to Ryan for being sober and for writing lovely songs and for the voice.

The best evening ever!

Went and watched the new flick "once". there are no words..... beautiful. My heart feels bigger because of that movie. beautiful.

Came home and watched "so you think you can dance". Lacey and Kameron. there are no words. beautiful. my heart grew even more.

the best evening ever.

Nauseating

I am unemployed and bored. I won't be able to defend my thesis until early July.... So that leaves me with about a month of time. I've been job-hunting. I hate it. I hate sending out resumes because I hate feeling like people are judging me. Plus, it's terrifying to think about starting a new phase of my life. After a few hours of looking for jobs online I start to feel sick. In fact, this morning when I was getting ready to leave my apartment to work on resumes, etc I started to feel nauseous..... Pavlov was right.

Here are 3 of the 22 bed bug bites that I got sleeping at my dad's hotel. Holiday Inn sucks.

And here is the 3 copies of the first draft of my thesis. are you impressed?

I don't know!

These days, the questions seem to be coming more often.... Or maybe I'm just more sensitive. Either way, the answer is the same..... I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing in a few months. I don't know where I will be living. I don't know what I will be doing. I don't know.

I missed church last week and I heard from two friends that there was a perfect new boy for me. He wasn't there. Dashed hopes.

Its a boy!

They say writing a thesis is like giving birth.... I was going to go into the details of where my baby is in terms of anatomy, but I was started to gross myself out, so I'll hold back. In all reality, it's not born yet, but I'm getting close. I submitted the first draft of my thesis to my committee members today. One trip to Staples, $110, some huge binder clips, and it's in. I was honestly nauseated while it was getting printed and copied. And then to see it - all 236 pages, it was a moment - liberating and terrifying.

In other news, I went to a catered dinner with my dad yesterday for this conference he's at here in philly. They were serving steak.... Now I am not a vegetarian, but I honestly can't remember the last time I ate red meat. I think my friend Jenn made some taco soup with hamburger in it.... but when was that... months ago? So, they set this plate in front of me, one big, rare chunk of meat. And I'm thinking, "okay, julie, you can do this" and I picked up my knife and fork and started to cut into it and the weirdest thing happened - I honestly felt nauseous. Just thinking about it, I'm feeling sick. Weird, I think it was the cutting that really put my over the top. I feel like I could eat a steak fajita, or a hamburger without too much problem.... because then I don't really have to see it. I hate to eat meat if there's any bones involved - it's just too much like an animal. I like to image that there's a chicken breast tree somewhere. Now I've discovered that I can't cut red meat. Oh, and my story has a happy ending - they had a vegetarian option - and I had a lovely dinner of grilled vegetables.

a disaster and a miracle

last night I cried about my thesis for the first time. I mean cried. A computer glitch made me lose an hours worth of work. Really, not that big of a deal.... but for some reason I just couldn't deal. The thought of having to rewrite what I'd done was terrifying. I'm to the point where every moment of working on it is pretty much torture and I just want to be done. So I just let the tears come. Actually, I'm pretty impressed that after about a year of working on I've only actually shed tears once. Not bad really. And after all those tears, by some miracle. I mean a real miracle I found what I thought I'd lost. miracles.

I am so mad. I am absolutely seething. I'm madder now than I've been in a long time - maybe ever. Computers stink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something that should have been so simple has now taken up 2 and a half hours of my life that i can't get back - and it's still not right. ooooohhhhh I am so so angry. I want to stamp my feet, pound my fists and just yell at the top of my lungs. I HATE THESIS!

almost there....

So, last night and this morning I finished the results section, conclusion, and wrote the abstract. The only thing left to do is finish up/edit the discussion, and finish up the formatting and put it all together..... I can almost taste it..... still, I can't really motivate myself to work on the discussion. I am just so tired and thinking about, reading about, and mostly writing about this stuff. Today I spent the afternoon at Borders reading magazines and listening to CDs. Bought the new Wilco and the semi-new Feist. I've been avoiding the work for a while and need to get back to it, but I really don't want to. We'll see.

American Idol was really unfair - making Blake sing that silly cheesy girly song. I think I voted for him more than I would have out of sympathy. I need a boy who wears argyle sweater vests.

So far today I've updated my intro - added bits about the results and discussion. I wrote it months and months ago so it was a bit of a mess, but I think I got it. I also spent forever working on some formating. I swear I spent hours on the stupid table of contents. I never knew that dot leaders existed and I had know idea how to put them in. After trying some stuff I finally got it, though I'm not exactly sure what I did. It's getting more and more tedious. But the good news is that I'm getting down to a "to do" list that isn't too terrifying. Add a little bit to the results, finish the discussion, finish up the conclusion, and write the abstract, finish formating and put it all together...... we're getting close.

I'm excited cause my parents are coming to philly tonight for a week. I'll have to ditch them a bit to work on thesis, but I feel like I've got things under control for the most part. And a break tonight to watch American Idol tonight. I recognize that Jordin is a better singer, but I can't help loving Blake - he's got style, and I generally love the personal spin he puts on things..... I'm afraid Jordin will just turn into a robot.

But something more exciting than American Idol is coming on thursday. That's right people - so you think you can dance! I can't wait.

one week

my first draft is due a week from tomorrow. I need to update my intro, trim my results section, add a bit to my discussion and conclusion and format format format. miraculously I actually think I'm going to get it done. Though I am not excited about paying for 3 copies - with my thesis likely being a bit more than 200 pages. but 200 pages! I can't believe I've written 200 pages of something. Yay for accommplishments with page numbers attached. back to work.

In an attempt to salvage my sanity and to self-congratulate myself (redundant) and provide motivation in working on my thesis I begin this blog. I hope no one ever sees it. Thank you.