Tuesday, March 11, 2008

positive coping

All the time I talk to people about coping skills and now I'm needing to follow my own advice. What I want to do is put on pajamas and lay in my bed for hours despite the fact that it's not even 7 pm. I am trying to resist and have compromised to jeans and a hooded sweatshirt (with the hood on which makes a difference).

Something really terrible happened with one of my clients this week. And it is affecting me. Up until now I've been pretty effective at "turning off" when I come home from work, but now it is too intense. It is too much. But it's so much less than what my client is confronting that I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed. How dare I feel bad when she feels so much worse. How dare I complain about headaches and the desire to wear pajamas 24/7 when her suffering is exponential compared to mine. I feel guilty about my attempts to avoid the pain when for her it is unavoidable.

And I don't know what to do to help her. Right now I hate that there are no perfect answers. And that time, passes so slow. It would be nice to fast forward a few months when things will be a little easier. It pisses me off. Yesterday when I was driving home a car honked (I don't know if it was necessarily at me, but it felt like it was) and I yelled at full volume (not at the car, but just out at the world) I noticed smiling people walking down the street. Some people could be experiencing some of life's happiest moments while for other people the world is literally falling apart.

Still, I am glad for the connections I have with my clients. There suffering is real whether we are there to witness it or not. And maybe my presence matters is some small way.